Okay, I've learned my lesson.
DO NOT put lotion on a sunburn. Maybe something with aloe. Maybe a regiment that is specifically made for sunburns. But NOT lotion.
My thought process was simple: when you get a sunburn, you need to keep the skin hydrated so that it doesn't dry out and peel. Well, apparently lotion and that dry, burned skin don't get along. My shoulders and arms started to sting and itch intensely the second I put it on.
I started hopping around my bathroom screaming like a little girl. Well, a little girl with the mouth of a sailor. I believe the word "fuck" was used quite profusely. And "damn it".
SOOOOOOO not doing that again. Yikes.