So I've been thinking a lot lately about my patterns.
I have a tendency to fawn over men who are not interested in me. This isn't one of those "thrill of the chase" type of scenarios. I'm not chasing after men who are just playing hard to get. Rather, I seem to obsess over those who wouldn't give a shit if I went away or stopped talking to them.
And of course, this fact only goads me to try and make them like me. I obsess and get sad and hope that one day, if I do the right thing at the right moment, something will change in their perception of me. That they will all of a sudden care about me as much as I seem to care about them.
Why do I do this? Why would I want to be with someone who isn't as excited to see/talk to/be with me as I am to see/talk to/be with them? There really is something askew in my head. I am very rational; I can look at this situation and clearly see the fallacy of my actions and decisions. I should not waste my time on such unrequited adoration. I deserve better than that.
Enter the Berlin Wall of my brain.
Emotion and Rationality are stuck on opposite sides of the wall. They aren't friends and they aren't going to reconcile anytime soon. Despite the rational part of my brain that can assess and disapprove of my behavior, the emotional side wallows. I am sad, I am frustrated, I am disheartened; even though I know I shouldn't give two shits about it and move on.
I'm not even looking to be with anyone, for Pete's sake!!!
And yet, I sit. Stuck. I guess I can say that the one thing I'm good about is not initiating contact with him (since clearly, at the moment, I am referring to a specific individual; I don't fawn after several men at once. It's a rarity that I find a guy to like period). Of course, it's probably not good that I spend an absurd amount of time hoping that he will contact me.
When did I decide that I come second? My job is not to win someone over with intense effort. If mutual attraction is there, great; I should go with it. If it isn't, I should let go and realize that I am worth more than all of the waiting around I do.
Let go, Stephen. For your sake, be calm and stop over-thinking and scrutinizing EVERYTHING. Let things be as they are and go with the flow. You deserve it.
Please realize that already.
(I like that I'm speaking to myself. Talk about insanity!)