Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Wheels a-turnin'

So I've been thinking a lot lately about my patterns.

I have a tendency to fawn over men who are not interested in me. This isn't one of those "thrill of the chase" type of scenarios. I'm not chasing after men who are just playing hard to get. Rather, I seem to obsess over those who wouldn't give a shit if I went away or stopped talking to them.

And of course, this fact only goads me to try and make them like me. I obsess and get sad and hope that one day, if I do the right thing at the right moment, something will change in their perception of me. That they will all of a sudden care about me as much as I seem to care about them.

Why do I do this? Why would I want to be with someone who isn't as excited to see/talk to/be with me as I am to see/talk to/be with them? There really is something askew in my head. I am very rational; I can look at this situation and clearly see the fallacy of my actions and decisions. I should not waste my time on such unrequited adoration. I deserve better than that.

Enter the Berlin Wall of my brain.

Emotion and Rationality are stuck on opposite sides of the wall. They aren't friends and they aren't going to reconcile anytime soon. Despite the rational part of my brain that can assess and disapprove of my behavior, the emotional side wallows. I am sad, I am frustrated, I am disheartened; even though I know I shouldn't give two shits about it and move on.

I'm not even looking to be with anyone, for Pete's sake!!!

And yet, I sit. Stuck. I guess I can say that the one thing I'm good about is not initiating contact with him (since clearly, at the moment, I am referring to a specific individual; I don't fawn after several men at once. It's a rarity that I find a guy to like period). Of course, it's probably not good that I spend an absurd amount of time hoping that he will contact me.

When did I decide that I come second? My job is not to win someone over with intense effort. If mutual attraction is there, great; I should go with it. If it isn't, I should let go and realize that I am worth more than all of the waiting around I do.

Let go, Stephen. For your sake, be calm and stop over-thinking and scrutinizing EVERYTHING. Let things be as they are and go with the flow. You deserve it.

Please realize that already.

(I like that I'm speaking to myself. Talk about insanity!)


Joshua said...

This isn't always a bad thing. Just so long as you realize what you're doing. LOL. You sound like a very sweet guy...it's only a matter of time.

My mom and dad have been happily married for 30 years now. They met when they were living down the hall from each other and my mother dreaded seeing him daily. After him hounding her for weeks/months for a date, she finally gave in.

You just never know.

Biscotti said...

Oops, I accidentally posted gibberish above. Now, for the real deal: I have been thinking along similar lines. I wish that there could be an easy way to let go but I don't think that there is. We want to be appreciated (adored!) but it doesn't necessarily happen that way, even if we deserve it (deserve it a lot more than all the idiots left and right who just magically fall in love and get together like it is nothing).

The point is that everyone that we want to love should automatically love us because we are fabulous and offer so much. I know that isn't comforting or an enlightened way of looking at it, but, by god, they just SHOULD!!

Let me know if you figure anything out.