Sunday, April 8, 2007

I am so damn pensive!

Okay, so I'm already messing up with this taking-a-new-picture-every-day thing. This picture was taken early on this year; I love it and have decided it is worthy of being the picture of the day.

I chose this picture for two reasons:

1) I think it's a pretty damn good picture and I'm proud that I captured the moment.
2) It represents a space in which I find tranquility.

I emphasize tranquility today because I have not had it since I moved home. I constantly feel on edge; starting from scratch, while adventurous and somewhat courageous, is not so glamorous. It's difficult; a constant struggle. I'm trying to find some peace in my career path, my friendships, and the other facets of my life. I'm feeling more comfortable with my job situation now that I have secured a full-time job that seems quite enjoyable. I'm also content to let my career plans move slowly right now; I need to invest the time in order to ensure that I make the best choice possible.

I guess where I am struggling most is in my friendships. Not in the friendships I already have, mind you; while yes, it has been a struggle to adjust to my dearest friends all being far away from me, I feel that I'm finally beginning to get a grasp on keeping up communication. The area in which I am struggling is developing local friendships.

I suppose I'm trying too hard. How do people make new friends when they move to a new job, to a new space that isn't conducive to friendships like the university environment is? Where do people find connection, a sense of belonging? I've been trying, I really have been; although, I am probably looking in the wrong places. I keep trying to connect with gay men. This is a bad decision on many levels: I can't expect to develop friendships with gay men knowing that sex is always in the back of my mind, and I really don't think that being gay is a point of connection. It does allow for a certain level of sympathy and acknowledgement of my experiences, but what happens when that's the only thing we have in common?

I miss everyone. I miss being able to sit with friends in comfortable silence. I miss being able to look across the room, make eye contact with one of my closest friends, and have them know exactly what I'm thinking. I miss the comfort of knowing that I'm not being judged, that I'm not being appraised to see if a friendship can work, that I can just be me without repercussions.

Maybe I'm hoping for too much too soon from the people I'm meeting now. I have to remember that building strong bonds takes time; that I can't just expect to find kindred spirits with ease.

Anyway, all that to say that I'm afraid. I'm afraid of putting myself out there and being rejected. I'm afraid that who I am won't be good enough. And I'm especially afraid that I won't be able to zone out those thoughts when they are impeding my progress in getting to know people.

I'm afraid that my insecurities are coming back tenfold and that they are going to stifle the potential.

Where did the confident and boisterous Stephen go? Why is the Stephen of so many years ago coming back and why is he coming back with such appalling swiftness?

I need to find my sunset. Tranquility.

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