Friday, April 13, 2007

A Letter of Complaint

Dear God,

Hello! How have you been? I imagine things are quite busy with the universe being under your control and all. No small task, but you seem to be handling it (in whatever capacity that means).

Now you know I'm not one to complain. I try to go through life as best I can and take the hits as they come. I've dealt with all of the rejection and discouragement this year. It hasn't been easy but I seem to be persevering.

However, today I come to you with a complaint. I don't expect answers or some form of reprieve. I won't lie and say that I'm not holding out a modicum of hope. I only do so because I fear that if I let go of that sliver of hope, I won't be able to get it back.

24 1/2 years of life. 24 1/2 years of struggle, growth, and change. There have been some amazing times. There have also been some unbelievably crappy times (yeah, this whole "gay" thing has been quite the experience). Through it all, I'm still here; I wouldn't change my life because the specific set of events and circumstances have made me the person I am now. I think I've become quite the thoughtful, upstanding young man. I'm not perfect, but I acknowledge that for what it is and realize that my imperfections contribute to my quality of character.

My complaint is as follows: I am tired of being alone. I'm upset that I've never had the opportunity to experience love (a love that is not platonic, that is). I know that I potentially have an entire lifetime ahead of me in which to experience this kind of love. But sometimes I worry that I won't, mainly because I haven't had a glimpse at the potential.

In 24 1/2 years, I have experienced only one kind of love that is beyond torturous: a love unrequited. It tears at your soul, slowly withering your esteem to nothing. Feeling like someone means the world to you and not receiving even the slightest reciprocation in that regard. They say that no one can make you feel worthless unless you let them. With unrequited love, the other person is not the one making you feel worthless; it is the love itself that strikes you down. Love in my heart without its companion in another's heart cannot thrive. It atrophies and takes a bit of my heart with it each time.

If at all possible, could you maybe provide some glimmer of hope? I know it's a long shot; I know that things don't work that way. I just fear that my already-hardened heart will become completely still. Because I can't hold on forever.

Not everyone in life is meant to love. Some people spend their lives alone; and that is okay. Is that what you have intended for my life? I don't feel like I'm the type of person who is supposed to end up alone. I have a lot of love to give and a lot of amazing qualities to share. I am ready to give the world to somebody else; I'm afraid that this "somebody else" does not exist.

What happens when a heart closes its doors? Does the burden I am now experiencing dissipate? Will that allow me to be free? If so, that would be an equally welcomed solution.

I know this doesn't make sense. I know that I am fine on my own. I have managed to prove that I can be on my own. However, I am now at the point where I no longer wish to be.

Thanks for listening,


mercedes said...

I love it Stephen!! You're already gonna have me hook. It reminds me of my days when I use to "blog" on Xanga and just pour out all my desires and what I not. It's quite ironic, however, because I, too, thought about giving it another go around and write to release some feelings and emotions. But besides the point, at least I will be able to still have a bit of Stephen in my life..and that's all that matters! Best wishes with it all! I love it and I believe in you!!

P.S. Some of the same things you have written, I have gone through or am still going through, so I feel you. Just keep your head up and keep going. Someone will be out there for you! Trust! You're one of a kind!!! ;)

Joshua said...

Eventually, it will happen for you. Granted, I've already been through three "gay" divorces (at least that's what I'd call them...because they were all live in boyfriends and they all came to a dramatic end). When you find the one, you'll know for sure. The best thing is just to enjoy every experience as it comes to you, love yourself, and be a friend. Once you are totally content with your life, don't worry, there will be someone to throw it into a total upheaval again. :)